


a million little stars spelling out your name

by groovy_phonebox



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Charles Xavier has a Ph.D in Adorable, Charles is a dorkface, Charles is an anxious boi, Erik is a Sweetheart, Erik is crushing harder than a 12 year old girl, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pre-Med Students, Pre-Relationship, Slow(ish) Burn, a wee bit of angst, blatant wish fulfillment, inspired by the author's (lack of) love life, just really corny, mostly because they're both socially inept
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:55:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28985976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/groovy_phonebox/pseuds/groovy_phonebox
Summary: In which Charles loves Erik (but is too afraid to tell him), Erik loves Charles (but is really bad at expressing it), and both of them are just really, really dumb. Words are just really, really hard sometimes.
Relationships: Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier, Hank McCoy/Raven | Mystique (mentioned), Jubilation Lee/Ororo Munroe (Mentioned)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 59





	1. snowflakes falling in your hair

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Taylor Swift's song "Untouchable"
> 
> All grammar/diction/syntax mistakes are my own (but feel free to point them out so I can fix them!)
> 
> Constructive criticism, plot suggestions, flailing, etc. are welcome :)

Fuzzy Q-tip snowflakes floated down serenely as Charles and Erik exited the building. Charles let out a little sigh of contentment as the snowflakes settled on his hair. 

He stole a glance over at Erik, whose face was set in its default state of indifference. Even then, Charles thought that he was beautiful, the lines of his face sharp and clean, gray eyes gazing intently at the snowscape, his tongue darting out to wet his lower lip. 

Charles shook himself before the staring could get creepy. 

How he wished that he were more like Raven, able to engage everyone in conversation, trading friendly barbs with Erik instead of just staring and stammering and smiling dumbly all the time, too nervous and enamoured to speak. 

Clearing his throat to break the awkward silence, he asked tentatively, “Do you ever want to just stand still, unmoving, somewhere and just let the snow settle on yourself?” Charles’ lips lifted in a dreamy smile as the scene unfolded in his imagination. 

“No.” The terse statement was all that left Erik’s mouth. His knitted hat was pulled firmly over his forehead, nearly covering his eyes. 

Charles’ smile froze on his face to conceal his embarrassment at his making a fool of himself once more in front of Erik. “Oh,” he said in a small voice. _Good going, Xavier,_ he thought to himself, _Erik probably thinks that you’re even more of a loon now._ “Well,” he coughed, shifting from foot to foot, “this is me. I’m waiting for the shuttle,” he said unnecessarily. 

A look of relief flashed across Erik’s face, and Charles tried not to be too hurt by further proof that Erik definitely did not share the heart-wrenching, heart-hammering, soul-warming, all-consuming crush that Charles had on him. Even after working together for about a year, the jury was very much still out on whether or not Erik even liked Charles as a person. He lingered on that thought morosely.

“I’m headed to the garage, so, I’ll see you later,” Erik offered stiltedly, probably realizing that he was being a bit rude. 

Charles gave him a smile. He was a friendly person. He could be nice and polite with Erik, even though Erik disliked him. Everything was fine. “Have a good weekend, Erik.”

~~

Erik cursed himself as he walked to his car, his mind playing back his conversation with Charles. _Could it really be called a conversation if you barely said anything to him?_ His mind snarled at him. _Nice going, Lehnsherr, he probably thinks that you hate him._ Ugh, it wasn’t his fault that Charles was so utterly, heartbreakingly beautiful and good and warm and sweet and perfect in every way! Everyone loved him, and Erik couldn’t blame them; Charles just had a way of looking at you like you were the only person in the world, like you were important. 

Erik had just barely gotten himself through a full group conference with Charles in attendance without staring at him dreamily or blurting out “I love you” in front of all of their colleagues, but then Charles, adorably frazzled, bookbag hanging off of one shoulder, scarf strewn haphazardly around his neck, decided to dart into the elevator at the last second, and Erik had to endure an agonizing minute alone in the elevator car with Charles, aching to touch him, to press him up against the wall and kiss him. 

Then, to make matters worse, once they were outside, nature itself decided that it hated Erik, and it was all he could do not to gape at Charles in wonder as he reached his hands out to catch the snowflakes, his long, delicate fingers nearly caressing them. The falling snowflakes made Charles look like an angel, untouchable, ethereal, and Erik, although he already worshipped Charles, could not, would not, touch him. 

“Do you ever want to just stand still, unmoving, somewhere and just let the snow settle on yourself?” Erik replayed the moment Charles looked at him, eyes full of contentment and child-like giddiness, and had it been anyone else, Erik would have said something witty and teasing, but Charles, face turned up to the sky to meet the snowflakes, glowing with happiness, took his breath away, and all he could manage was a gruff “No”. He hated the snow, he hated the cold, and Erik had always had the unfortunate habit of being completely honest with Charles. _I would with you,_ he had wanted to add. _I think I would do anything with you._

Part of Erik nearly cried in relief when they went to part ways (most of Erik cried in disappointment). At least he wouldn’t continue putting his foot in his mouth and come off as an asshole because he couldn’t function like a normal human being around Charles. The rational and responsible part of his mind prodded him to say some inane farewell to try to salvage the conversation and at least try to show Charles that he wasn’t actually a terrible person. 

He must have done something right because Charles smiled at him and wished him a good weekend. _You’re beautiful,_ Erik wanted to tell him. _You are perfect in every way, and I’m stupidly in love with you._

But, being the coward that he was, Erik simply nodded in acknowledgement and walked away.


	2. baby, I'm lovesick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Charles sits in a chair and remembers how he came to have his (unfortunate, inconvenient) crush on Erik, Erik feels under the weather, and they're both Just Muddling Through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, all grammar/syntax mistakes are my own, so please let me know if you spot any so that I can fix them. 
> 
> Constructive criticism, general flailing, plot ideas, etc., are all welcome and appreciated :)

Charles groaned in relief as he set his laptop aside and stretched his arms above his head. Rotating his wrists and rubbing his eyes, he re-settled into the high-backed rainbow padded armchair in the breakroom, where he had gone to be alone and to escape the windowless lab office. Charles pulled up his Spotify, popped his earbuds back in, and re-centered himself to work, only to be knocked back off center when he spotted Erik seat himself in a lime green chair directly in Charles’ line of sight. _Well, fuck._

His initial plan to sneakily glance at Erik went up in smoke when he found those gray eyes zeroed in on him in surprise. 

To be fair, Charles was almost entirely hidden by the armchair, which also faced opposite the door, concealing him from the outside world. Erik had probably had the same idea as Charles, coming here to be alone. But then again, this was Charles’ preferred workspace, as Erik well knew. Oh well. Pretending that he wasn’t torn between euphoria at the possibility that Erik had come to join him and despair that he was definitely going to make a fool of himself, Charles smiled in greeting, gave him a little wave, and went back to staring at his laptop screen, in an effort to look like he was working. 

Ugh, why did Erik have to be so… him? He was suave and self-assured and passionate and brilliant and dorky and capable, and Charles was… awkward at best. Erik was electrifying, and Charles couldn’t help but get caught in his magnetic pull. 

If Charles had to pick a point in time at which he first felt the stirrings of Feelings for Erik, he would probably pick the time Erik inadvertently comforted him after his break up with Dakota (“Sorry, Charles, but did anyone ever tell you that you’re just… a lot. Like really, really intense” -- What the fuck did that even mean?). 

It was his first day back at work after the break up (Dakota at least had the decency to break up with him on a weekend), and Charles was still feeling a bit raw. A fluke of scheduling put Erik and him in the office alone together, and perhaps sensing that something was off, Erik put away his work and instead talked about his passion for music, pulling up YouTube videos of his time in his high school marching band and sharing funny stories complete with grand hand gestures and singing, seemingly not caring that Charles had very little to say. Their time together came to a close when Charles had to get to class, and Charles left feeling lighter than he had felt in ages, a smile tugging at his lips. 

Then there was that other time, when Charles rushed into the office, very nearly late, and Erik called out in delight, “Charles! You got a new scarf!” The words had seemed to crash into each other in his haste at getting them out. “It looks good, brings out your eyes,” he had added, almost shyly. Charles felt a little warm glow settle into his heart. _Oh no. I’ve got a crush on Erik Lehnsherr._

Something had shifted after that, although Charles wasn’t sure if it was just a figment of his imagination or if he was projecting his own feelings, or whatever. He and Erik started to dance around each other, silences turning a bit awkward, and all the while, Charles observed Erik and soaked up everything he had to say (albeit to other people -- other normal people who weren’t socially inept like Charles was). He was absolutely fascinating and unlike anyone he had ever known. But Charles was nothing if not professional, so instead of blurting out his feelings like an idiot like he wanted to every time he looked at Erik, Charles resigned himself to smiling, rolling his eyes good-naturedly, and the occasional witty retort when his wits decided to grace him with their presence. 

Which brought him back to his present situation. Curled up in a high-backed rainbow colored armchair pretending to work but actually covertly studying every expression of Erik’s face. 

He must have succeeded in pretending to be engrossed in his work because Charles didn’t notice that Erik had moved to stand across from Charles’ armchair, leaning casually against the window. 

“Hey, Charles. This window has, uhh, a better view.” Erik shifted slightly. 

“Oh, hello, Erik.” Erik’s new location gave Charles an opportunity to study his face, noticing the dark circles beneath his eyes and the underlying pallor of his cheeks. “Are you okay? You look tired,” he said instead of the generic “how are you” that he meant to say. 

Erik’s eyes widened in surprise, and Charles inwardly kicked himself for once again putting his foot in his mouth and being too honest. Most people didn’t like it when he was too honest. 

“Not really, actually. I’ve been feeling a little under the weather today. I went to do my tour guide rounds, but I kind of want to skip out on our group conference later,” Erik confessed. 

Charles frowned in concern. “You should probably go home and sleep, then. Do you have to present something this week?”

Erik shook his head.

“Yeah, so just go home and sleep.” 

“I feel bad, though.” Erik smiled wryly, hands fidgeting. 

Charles’ lips tugged up into a teasing smile. “Don’t want to get anyone else sick. Go home, Erik.” He tried for a lighthearted matronly tone, pushing back what he really wanted to say. _I want to go home with you and cook you soup. I want to curl up beside you and feel the rise and fall of your chest, your heartbeat against my ear. I want to take care of you and hold you and make you smile._

Erik let out a tired chuckle. “Alright, Charles, you’re right. I’m going to go home now, then.” He paused, as if to say something else, but he picked up his bookbag and left. 

It wasn’t until after Erik left that Charles realized that he hadn’t actually said any words of comfort and just sat there dumbly as Erik walked out the door. Erik probably thought that Charles was unfeeling, or at least unfeeling towards _him_ , and well, that really didn’t sit well with Charles. So before he could think the better of it, he pulled out his phone and sent Erik a “hope you feel better soon :)” text. As soon as it sent, Charles felt a bit like an idiot. _It’s fine. Everything Is Fine,_ he thought to himself as he gathered his things to move to the conference room. It would be a very dull meeting without Erik. 

~~

Erik stumbled into his apartment, swallowed a swig of cold medicine, collapsed onto his bed, not even bothering to shuck his windbreaker, and drifted off into a deep sleep. 

When he awoke the next morning, head pounding, he finally managed to peel off his clothes and step into the shower. Feeling somewhat more human, he scanned his phone notifications. Pausing at Charles’ feel better text, he smiled widely showing all his teeth, lightly blushing at the tiniest bit of sentiment from Charles, which he probably sent to everyone who was under the weather, but whatever -- Erik let himself have the delusion that he was special to Charles. At least he knew that Charles didn’t dislike him, which was a relief. 

Then his stomach dropped in panic. What should he say in reply? His lovestruck, cold-addled brain provided him with many suggestions, none of them helpful: _I’d feel better sooner if you were next to me, Thanks <3, If I could snuggle with you, I’d feel better in a jiffy, and worst, I’ve also got the love bug, and you’re my medicine._ His idiot brain was useless, so he settled for shutting off his phone and letting Charles’ text warm his heart. 

Thinking about Charles’ text led to Erik thinking about Charles (although, if Erik was really honest with himself, he was always thinking about Charles). He turned their last interaction over in his mind. 

Erik had woken up yesterday feeling like shit, but it was a Friday, he led campus tours on Fridays, and more importantly, Fridays were when Erik gets to see Charles in the labspace. The thought of seeing Charles gave him the motivation to soldier through the day. 

After wrapping up his last tour, he drove over to the lab building on the other side of campus, heart aching in excitement as each second brought him closer to seeing Charles. At last, he reached the labspace, poking his head through the door. Raven shot him a friendly smile, and he smiled distractedly back at her, eyes searching the small office. _Where’s Charles?_ He wanted to ask her, but that would be too close to admitting his embarrassingly intense crush on her best friend, so he kept his mouth shut. 

Suddenly, Erik remembered all of Moira’s teasing about how the high-backed rainbow-colored chair was basically Charles’, with all the time he spent curled up in it rather than in the office. 

Turning away from Raven, he strode purposefully towards the breakroom (towards Charles), and to his relief, he spotted Charles’ navy blue backpack and tan peacoat draped across an armchair. Setting his things down in a lime-colored chair, he took advantage of Charles’ work-mode to study him. His blue eyes studied the screen intently, and Erik could almost see the cogs in Charles’ mind putting things together, finding connections. It was glorious, the way Charles saw things in a different light, always providing brilliant insight and a helping hand. Charles had the unfortunate habit of worrying his bottom lip, and Erik nearly groaned, wanting desperately to feel those lips against his. Occasionally, Charles would scrunch up his nose and pout at his laptop screen. It was definitely not adorable. 

Suddenly, blue eyes flitted up to meet his gray ones. Charles’ lips parted in surprise. _Shit, shit, shit,_ he panicked, _stop staring at him like a lunatic!_ Try as he might, Erik could not break his eyes away. After what felt like an eternity (but was, in actuality, thirty seconds), Charles bestowed upon Erik a soft smile and a wave before (blessedly, disappointingly) turning back to his work. 

Deciding to follow Charles’ example, Erik took out his laptop and tried to focus on his computer model. His head swam, and he regretted not bringing any Tylenol with him. _Charles is comforting. Let’s go to Charles,_ whispered his hindbrain, and without input from his higher brain functions, Erik’s legs propelled him to stand in front of Charles, leaning against the window. 

“Hey, Charles,” he whispered tentatively. 

Charles lifted his head and looked at him curiously, tugging out his earbuds. 

Belatedly realizing that normal people did not randomly just walk up from their seat to stand and stare at their crushes, he searched for an acceptable excuse. “This, uhh, this window, umm, has a better view,” he managed to stammer out while inwardly wincing at his lame-ass excuse. He hoped that Charles didn’t think that he was a weirdo. 

He must not have fucked up too badly, because Charles greeted him cheerfully. His eyes searched Erik’s face, and Erik held still, afraid to even breathe, the hammering of his heart deafening. 

Not for the first time, Erik was grateful that Charles wasn’t a mind reader. He would see that Erik was just fumbling through life, making things up as he went, that Erik was a bit lonely and grumpy when no one was looking, and worst of all, Charles would see all of the things that Erik wanted from him. He wanted so much from Charles. He wanted to wake him up with kisses in the morning, he wanted to make him breakfast, he wanted to devote himself to Charles and feel the warmth of Charles’ love, he wanted to make Charles laugh that loud bark of laughter, not just the restrained bubbling laugh (that was adorable in its own right, but Erik wanted to make Charles lose control). 

Lost in thought but still hyper aware of Charles’ gaze, he startled when Charles asked if he was alright. Erik had thought he had done a good job of concealing just how shitty he felt; no one else had commented on it. Erik mentally revised his assumption that Charles wasn’t a mind reader. 

Charles was still staring at him, brow furrowed in concern, and because Erik was always honest with Charles, he found himself admitting that he felt like shit. 

The furrow in Charles’ brow deepened, and he frowned. Erik wanted to smooth the wrinkle away. _Don’t be so concerned,_ he wanted to tell him, _it’s just a cold._ Despite his body ache, Erik wanted to kneel down and comfort Charles, as he looked so distressed over Erik’s immune system working overtime. 

Erik was reluctant to leave when Charles suggested it, ignoring the way his heart did funny things when Charles said “home”, his red lips wrapping around the word. _Yes,_ his heart agreed, _come home with me. Come home with me and never leave me. Stay by my side._ Erik wanted those things so much that his heart ached, as if it could escape Erik’s chest and nestle in with Charles’ heart. 

As he was about to leave, he finally took notice of the way Charles’ eyes seemed too bright, his cheeks too pale. _Take care of yourself,_ he wanted to say, _let me take care of you._ Erik aborted a move to squeeze Charles’ shoulder. He mentally shook his head. _I won’t ruin our working relationship by making a fool of myself._ Stealing one last look at Charles, Erik hoisted his bag upon his shoulder and shut the door.


	3. take me back to the start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Erik meets Charles and is immediately smitten, Charles is just trying to be a functional human being around a really cool person he doesn't want to fuck up in front of, and they hit it off like a child playing tee ball (which is only somewhat but with a lot of enthusiasm).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Coldplay's "The Scientist"
> 
> Have some painfully awkward "how they met"! Of course, all the mistakes in here are my own, so feel free to point them out so I can fix them, and constructive criticism, general flailing, general encouragement, etc., are all things that spark joy :)

“Hello, you’re Erik Lehnsherr, right?” A gentle British accent startled Erik from his work. 

Fully intending to make his ire known to this interloper, Erik spun around in his chair, sarcastic retort on the tip of his tongue, took one look at the interrupter, and promptly forgot his own name. He was gorgeous. The stranger had long eyelashes that framed his piercing blue eyes, red bitten lips, high cheekbones and a strong jaw. Erik’s eyes followed down the curve of his neck to his delicate collarbones, partially concealed by his lilac v-neck sweater. 

_He asked you a question, dumbass!_ “Yeah. What do you want?” he asked, berating himself for his gruff tone, the default when he got flustered. 

“I, umm, I’m one of the new research interns in Dr. MacTaggart’s lab. She said that I would be helping with your data visualization project?” British Accent played with the edge of his sweater, shifting from foot to foot. 

Erik vaguely remembered Moira telling him that they’d hired a couple new research interns a couple of weeks ago, but like most things Moira tells him, it had been relegated to a dusty corner in his mind. 

“Oh, cool. Welcome aboard.” Erik smiled at him, panicking internally. _Did I miss his name? Oh shit, I don’t want to ask him again in case he did say…_

British Accent must’ve been thinking along the same lines, because he blushed (very prettily -- _where the fuck did that come from?_ ) and added, “I’m Charles, by the way, Charles Xavier.” He gave a half bow in lieu of a handshake, still standing in the doorway.

Charles. Erik rolled his name around in his head. Hmm. It fit him. 

“I’m actually in the year below you in the bio program. I’ve, like, seen you around before. You do the campus tours, too, don’t you?” Charles rambled on. 

_Oh, that’s why he looks sort of familiar._ Erik was surprised that Charles recognized him, given the large size of the bio program. He preened a bit, flattered. “Yeah, yeah, I do. You must have a really good memory.”

Charles brightened and grinned at him. “You’re kind to think so! My roommate always teases me for my inability to remember where I put things… Although I am good with faces, if I may say so.”

Erik, still struck dumb by the warmth of Charles’ smile, simply stared at him. 

“Oh, sorry, I’m rambling again.” Charles smiled sheepishly. _No, no,_ Erik wanted to tell him, _I could listen to you talk all day. Tell me everything about yourself._ “So, umm, to business. I did some background reading on your project, and I was really curious about what your thoughts were about data sharing between hospitals and accommodating different file types?”

_He’s competent, too? Lehnsherr, you are in a world of trouble now…_

~~

Charles looked over at his new research partner. Erik Lehnsherr. Yes, he knew who Erik Lehnsherr was, he and the rest of the major’s population. Of course, Charles had known that Erik was charismatic and efficient, seeing him lead campus tours with ease and offer a witty remark to just about anyone, but Charles wasn’t quite prepared to experience the way Erik simply _inhabited_ a space, practically oozing grace and self-assuredness. 

And the way those gray eyes bore into Charles’ soul. He could practically see Erik incorporating new information about Charles and categorizing it away in his brain. Probably under “things that are new but not very interesting”, but whatever. Charles wished that could be as effortlessly graceful and competent as Erik. 

Charles' natural state was A Mess, although he took careful measures to control and manage all the aspects of his life, previewing, always pre-planning remarks, trying to foresee all possible outcomes before he jumped into something. But his control wasn’t perfect, and as evidenced by his verbal vomiting just now, he got flustered easy, especially by handsome Jewish boys who just happened to be one of the few people Charles couldn’t talk to like a normal person. 

Fingers clacking away at the keyboard, Charles turned his gaze away from Erik and back to the code on his screen. Hopefully Charles’ competence would make up for his lack of social skills, and Erik wouldn’t think that he was an idiot.


	4. heart eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Erik wrangles students, Charles talks about his research and makes everyone fall in love with him, and we get a glimpse of why Erik loves Charles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just Erik's POV this time, but we finally have some angst-less fluff! Progress! 
> 
> As always, please point out any grammar/syntax mistakes so I can fix them, and come by to say hello, to leave constructive criticism, or just to flail about how dumb these two boys are :)

“Erik! Just the person I was looking for!” Moira smiled and beckoned at him to join her and the gaggle of first year students, who, not having been beaten down by the stress of pre-med and had not realized that no one actually knew what they were doing, looked at him expectantly. 

“Hey, Moira. What’s up?” 

“I was just telling my student mentees about our research lab, and I was wondering if you could tell them about your experience.” 

The students sat forward eagerly. 

Well, fuck. Pasting on the smile he reserved for overbearing parents at his campus tours, he replied, “Sure, since we’re a clinical informatics lab, there’s a lot of room to be self-directed and really choose your own path. For example, I primarily focus on data visualization and am currently working on improving the design of a dashboard for the radiology department here.” 

Out of the corner of his eye, Erik spotted Charles talking animatedly to one of his friends. The part of Erik’s brain devoted to Charles sighed dreamily. 

Noticing that he had stopped in the middle of his research spiel, he recovered quickly, “Charles, the guy over there in the blue cardigan, he also works in Moira’s lab, but he does more clinical workflow and data analytics.” 

Pouncing on the chance to spend some time with Charles, he called him over. 

“Hello, Erik, Moira, what can I do for you?” Charles smiled briefly at the first years, though his blue eyes looked curiously at Erik.

Erik found the air just a bit thinner as he reminded himself to breathe. “We were wondering if you would share a bit of your research interests with the group,” he said as nonchalantly as he could. 

Charles brightened. “Absolutely! I’d be happy to!” He turned to face the first years. “I sort of have a more mental health slash wellbeing focus, which is absolutely fascinating in terms of utilizing informatics in the field. I’m currently working on a project in collecting health data from patients who are pre-dementia and who have been doing daily mind-body moving meditations like yoga or tai chi and looking at neurological function, general health markers like blood pressure, and self-reported mental questionnaires. It’s absolutely fascinating -- and important -- to study how things are connected so that we can find accessible ways for all patients to have control over their own health outcomes!”

The first years stared at Charles, astonished. Erik, as always, was lost in the way Charles seemed to glow when he talked about the things he was passionate about. 

“And I’m not sure how much Erik has told you about his research,” Charles continued, “but he’s absolutely brilliant. One of his papers was just accepted for publication, you know, and what he’s doing with data visualization is so important to improving the quality of patient care and patient outcomes.” Charles smiled at Erik as if he thought that Erik was the smartest and most wonderful guy in the room. 

A blush threatened to overtake Erik’s face. He smiled back at Charles. _What is it about you that makes me feel this way? Like I could take on the world?_

“Charles!” A voice broke their moment. “We’re about to start the break out sessions!”

“Right, I’m sorry to cut this short, but if anyone’s interested in my session on medically related activities, I’ll be in 3309.” Charles grinned boyishly and winked at the group, and Erik swore he could feel some of the students instantly develop a crush on him. Erik simultaneously wanted to throttle them because Charles was his (in his head, at least) and applaud them for having good taste. 

“I’ve got to get going, too,” Erik added, “I’m doing the session on campus related activities. Room 3307, if anyone’s interested.” The students nodded eagerly. 

To Charles he asked hesitantly, “I’ll walk with you?”

Charles’ smile turned soft, his eyes crinkling. “I’d like that.”


	5. won't you be my valentine?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Charles and Erik inch slightly closer to being adequate communicators (they still suck at it, but they get an "A" for effort?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was originally going to post this on Valentine's Day, but I finished it early, and I got a bit excited, so here it is, a couple of days early :)
> 
> As always, constructive criticism, general flailing, and dropping in to say hello spark much joy!

Charles had always secretly loved Valentine’s Day. Not because it gave couples a nauseating excuse to be all lovey-dovey -- Charles couldn’t stand that -- but because it was the one day a year that he got to be a little more free with his affection towards those he loved. And all the chocolate that goes on discount the day after Valentine’s Day. That too. 

This particular Valentine’s Day, however, might just be the best or worst one yet. 

“We’re all going out for dinner at Mimi’s,” Raven declared as their group conference drew to an end. 

“Aww, but Raven, I’ve already been to Mimi’s this week,” Erik drawled playfully. 

Raven mock-glared at him. “You haven’t been to Mimi’s with me, so it’s a whole new experience!”

Charles casually linked his arm with Raven’s, and in a fit of bravery, he cajoled, “Oh, come off it, Erik, say you’ll come with us.”

“Yeah, Erik, come!” 

“Fine, I’m in,” Erik agreed, swinging his backpack over his shoulder gracefully. 

Raven turned to the rest of the group. “Janos? Ororo? Are you coming?”

Janos and Ororo assured Raven of their attendance. 

“All righty, then, we’re off! Bye, Moira, have a good weekend!”

Their boss smiled warmly at Raven. “You guys have fun!”

Walking towards the elevator, Raven wasted no time in prodding everyone about their love lives (in the holiday spirit, of course). 

“So, Erik,” Raven started, and Charles almost choked at her audacity, “have you got a valentine this year?”

Charles held his breath and told himself that he absolutely, definitely did not care about the answer. 

“Not this year,” was the terse reply. Before Raven could pounce on the opening, Erik huffed, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Charles was torn between relief that Erik was single and rage that someone had broken Erik’s heart. Not that Erik said, but Charles could read between the lines. Charles wanted to find whoever the bastard was and deck them for hurting someone so precious to him (not that Erik knew that, but that’s beside the point). 

Raven’s face fell in disappointment over Erik’s reticence but before Raven could interrogate someone else, Janos cut in sullenly and said, “Valentine’s day is always a bad day for me. My girlfriend cheated on me on Valentine’s day.”

Raven and Charles exchanged bewildered glances. What the hell were they supposed to say to that? Raven settled with, “That sucks, man.” 

Charles made a sympathetic noise in agreement. 

“Well, how about you, Charles? Have you got your eye on a special someone?” Raven’s eyes glinted mischievously. Charles wanted to throttle her. 

_I’ve got both eyes on Erik. He is literally all I see sometimes. He consumes my waking and sleeping mind, and you damn well know that, Raven!_ Determinedly not looking at Erik, Charles retorted lightly, “I’m hurt, Raven, I thought you were my valentine.”

“Hmm, yes, dear, I’ll gladly throw Hank over for you.” She stuck her tongue out at Charles. 

Sniffing snootily, Charles replied, “Damn straight, mate.” He didn’t actually mean it; he had met Hank a couple of times, and he seemed like a perfectly nice chap who treated Raven well. “Besides,” Charles continued, “after what happened and that mess, I’m a bit wary about the whole relationship business, as you well know.”

“The whole thing with Dakota, you mean?” Erik interrupted, and Charles’ heart dropped into his stomach. _Please, no, please don’t tell me that Erik knows…_

“Yes,” Charles said tentatively, “how did you know?”

“Why wouldn’t I know?”

“Why would you know?” Charles asked, trying to keep his mortification out of his voice. _Oh no, he probably thinks that I’m weak or silly or stupid, and who knows what rumors Dakota has spread about me,_ he despaired. Another thought, worse than the first, interrupted. _Did you know? That day in the office, when you told me about marching band and music and were lovely and wonderful even though I was sad and despondent? Did you only do that because you pitied me?_

“He and I are in the same year, in the same program. We share mutual friends.” Erik sounded confused. “I only know that you guys were dating because Emma invited you both to pumpkin carving back in October.”

“Oh, yes, I remember. I was tired that day, unfortunately.” Charles remembered the sheer terror that ripped through him at the mention of having to meet new people. The only point in the “going” category was that Erik would be there, which in retrospect, might’ve said something about how highly Charles had regarded Erik, even then. 

Erik shot Charles a playful grin that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Yeah, tired.” An eyebrow lifted dubiously. 

Charles colored. “Oh, shut up, it wasn’t like that!” It was. It was like that, but Erik didn’t need to know. 

Raven, bless her, chose this moment to gather everyone together and enter the restaurant. Saving Charles from embarrassing herself further, she turned to Ororo, the youngest in their research group. “Ororo, do you have a valentine this year?”

Ororo blushed. “No.”

“Oh, but you want to have one, don’t you?” Raven asked slyly. 

“There’s this girl in my bio class who’s really cute.” 

“Ah! Totes adorbs! You have to show me on Instagram once we get seated!”

Charles looked on with polite interest. He was, after all, still a sucker for a good love story. If he couldn’t have luck with love, he would just live vicariously through others and be the doting uncle or something. 

Fate had decided to conspire against him, and Charles found himself seated right beside Erik in the booth Raven had requested that really wasn’t meant to seat five people. Charles tried to ignore the heat radiating from Erik’s body, a mere couple inches from his own. He tried to ignore the intoxicating spiciness of Erik’s cologne, the pain of having him so close, and yet Charles was forbidden to touch him. It took nearly all of his concentration to resist the urge to bury his nose in Erik’s neck and just breathe him in that he flinched when Erik poked him with a menu. 

“Oh, thank you, Erik. Sorry, zoned out a bit.”

“No problem,” Erik said with a tight smile, probably thinking that Charles was too arrogant to pay attention to what his friends were saying or something terrible like that. Charles wanted to bang his head against the table. 

In lieu of embarrassing himself further, Charles engrossed himself in his menu. Naturally indecisive, Charles debated with himself the pros and cons of every dish that caught his interest. _I can make that one at home._ He discounted the steak. _Eh, I don’t like capers._ He discounted the fish. _Oh, but that’s a specialty here!_ The fish was reeled back into the running. In the end, Charles decided to just pick off all the capers and go with the fish. 

He turned to Erik, only to find Erik staring at him, expression unfathomable, eyes intensely scrutinizing. In the dim light, Charles could make out Erik’s dilated pupils. He shook himself. _It’s just the low level of light that causes dilated pupils._

Frowning, Charles asked, “Do I have something on my face?” He thought he had brushed all the bread crumbs away. 

Startled, as if Charles had interrupted his thoughts, Erik replied, “No. You’re per-- I mean, you’re fine.”

“Okay.”

“Hey, I’m sorry if I made things weird when I brought up Dakota.” Erik’s eyes bored into Charles’ intently. 

“Oh, it’s fine, really. It was over a year ago now. I was just caught off-guard.” Unable to meet Erik’s gaze, Charles looked away, picking at a loose strand on his napkin. 

“You didn’t want me to know,” Erik said accusingly. 

“No.”

“Why? Aren’t we friends?”

“I didn’t want you to pity me, or think that I was silly or foolish. I don’t know what kind of rumors Dakota has spread about me,” Charles replied fiercely, “I mean, I don’t really care what he’s said about me, because he doesn’t actually matter, but, umm, I care about yo-- about what you think about me.”

Erik softened and put a hand on Charles’ knee. Charles stifled a shiver. “I could never think that you were silly or foolish, and I could never pity you. You’re one of the smartest people I know, and the kindest.”

 _I love you. I have loved you for months now. I might’ve loved you for years and not known it. I feel safe with you._ “I think the same of you.”

They sat in companionable silence for the rest of the meal, occasionally interjecting during some of Raven’s stories, and Charles felt at peace. 

~~

Erik didn’t really care much for Valentine’s Day. He wasn’t bothered by couples who went all out for Valentine’s Day, but he didn’t exactly like them, either. He was much more invested in all the chocolate that goes on sale the day after Valentine’s Day. That was the real cause for celebration. 

This year, however, this year might actually be the death of him. 

Erik liked Raven. He really, really did. She was smart and witty and really fun to rile up and tease. She was like the sister he never had. As if she were aware of her sister-status in his life, Raven suggested (demanded) that their lab team go out for dinner, simultaneously making her the best and worst person ever. Best, because any time with Charles was something to be treasured. Worst, because Erik always seemed to say the wrong thing around Charles, and he couldn’t foresee this time being any different. 

Seeing Charles and Raven’s linked arms, he swallowed a lump in his throat. He tried not to be too jealous of the ease with which they interacted. Charles always had a smile for Raven, and they had a ton of inside jokes, and they could communicate via glance, and they just… seemed very close. It was maddening; Charles had met Raven the same day he had met Erik, but unlike with Erik, he and Raven had immediately hit it off like kindred spirits. 

Erik had a sudden swell of sympathy for Tantalus, who according to ancient Greek myth, was eternally damned to stand in a lake beneath a fruit tree, unable to drink or eat, no matter how much he wanted to. Going to Mimi’s with them had lost some of its appeal if he was just going to enviously watch Charles and Raven laugh together and desperately wish that he could make Charles smile at him that way. Erik fumbled for some excuse to bow out, but Charles looked so earnest and hopeful that Erik agreed, if only to see Charles smile. 

“So, Erik, have you got a valentine this year?”

Resisting the urge to glance at Charles, he said shortly, “Not this year.” Seeing Raven’s eyes widen at the discovery of his crush on someone, he added, “I don’t want to talk about it,” effectively ending her inquizition. That’s what Erik liked about Raven; she didn’t push. 

Patting himself on the back for a crisis averted, he almost missed the same question directed at Charles. 

“I’m hurt, Raven, I thought you were my valentine,” Charles teased, eyes dancing with mirth. 

“Hmm, yes, dear, I’ll gladly throw Hank over for you.” 

Sniffing delicately ( _how the hell is that adorable, too?_ ), Charles replied, “Damn straight, mate.” 

Erik snorted at the emergence of what Raven liked to call Charles’ “snooty posh boy” accent. 

“Besides,” Charles sobered a bit, “after what happened last year and that mess, I’m a bit wary about the whole relationship business, as you well know.”

 _What mess? What happened last year-- oh. Dakota._ A fierce well of protectiveness simmered in Erik’s belly. He never did like Dakota, the arrogant bastard. 

Because Erik was clearly an idiot, he asked, “The whole thing with Dakota, you mean?” 

He regretted it immediately when Charles replied in a small voice, “Yes, how did you know?”

“Why wouldn’t I know?”

“Why would you know?” Charles asked, distressed, and Erik wanted to pull him into a hug and never let go. 

“He and I are in the same year, in the same program. We share mutual friends.” _Unfortunately._ “I only know that you guys were dating because Emma invited you both to pumpkin carving back in October.” _Which took me by surprise, didn’t think he was your type._ He also remembered feeling vaguely sick when Emma mentioned it. 

“Oh, yes, I remember. I was tired that day, unfortunately.” Charles blushed, and Erik wanted to die. 

Trying to keep up his facade as Charles’ friendly work mate, he smirked. “Yeah, tired.” 

“Oh, shut up, it wasn’t like that!” Charles sputtered, but the look on his face told Erik enough. It was. It was like that, and Erik really didn’t want to know. 

Thankfully, Raven chose that moment to herd them all into Mimi’s. Unfortunately, Raven just had to insist on a booth, making sure to cram Charles and Erik into one side, pressed so close that Erik could smell Charles’ shampoo. It was agonizing to sit so close to Charles and restrain himself from stroking the lines of his legs, from tasting the delicate skin of his neck, from reaching out to hold Charles’ hand. Agony. 

Janos startled him out of his purgatory by poking him with a stack of menus. “Dude, you good?” 

“Er, yeah. Sorry.” Erik quickly took the stack from Janos and turned to Charles. 

Charles sat stiffly at the furthest edge of the booth, nearly crammed into the corner where the seat met a partition, his hands fisted tightly in his lap, body rigid with tension. _Are you okay? Is it me that he has an aversion to? Oh fuck, what if it’s me? Say something, Lehnsherr, do something!_

Erik tentatively poked Charles with a menu. 

“Hmm? Oh, thank you, Erik. Sorry, zoned out a bit.” Charles’ eyes brightened, but his shoulders were still taut. 

Although he wanted to take Charles into his arms and apologize for whatever was causing him such discomfort, Erik pushed down those feelings and smiled the best he could. “No problem.”

Despite his best efforts, Erik took advantage of Charles’ preoccupation with the menu to drink in Charles’ profile, Charles again, chewing on his bottom lip, brow furrowed in concentration as he muttered to himself and absentmindedly picked at a piece of bread. _What are you thinking?_ He wanted to ask, _I want to know what you think about everything. I want to know every piece of you, and you will still be absolutely perfect to me. I want you so much, even though you don’t want me._ Charles’ tongue darted out to wet his lips, and Erik was consumed with want. 

Too late, Erik noticed that Charles had turned to look at him. “Do I have something on my face?” Charles asked. 

“No. You’re per-- I mean, you’re fine.” _Nice save there, Lehnsherr, real smooth._

“Okay.” 

They sat in silence. 

Wanting to fix whatever funk Charles was in, Erik said, “Hey, I’m sorry if I made things weird when I brought up Dakota.”

It was obviously the wrong thing to say because Charles pasted on a tight smile that looked more like a grimace. “Oh, it’s fine, really. It was over a year ago now. I was just caught off-guard.” 

“You didn’t want me to know,” Erik said gently. 

“No.” 

Why didn’t Charles want him to know? Erik tried not to be too hurt by the revelation. 

“Why? Aren’t we friends?”

“I didn’t want you to pity me, or think that I was silly or foolish. I don’t know what kind of rumors Dakota has spread about me.” Erik wanted to reassure him that he hadn’t. Before he could do that, Charles continued, “I mean, I don’t really care what he’s said about me, because he doesn’t actually matter, but, umm, I care about yo-- about what you think about me.”

Erik’s heart skipped a beat at the news that Charles cared for him. He took a risk and gently squeezed Charles’ knee in what he hoped was reassurance. “I could never think that you were silly or foolish, and I could never pity you. You’re one of the smartest people I know, and the kindest,” he said quietly. _I love you. I have loved you for years, ever since we started working together and you smiled at me like I was your favorite person in the world._

“I think the same of you.” Charles beamed. 

Erik couldn’t help but smile stupidly back at Charles, his heart hammering with newfound hope. 

The rest of the meal went by in a blur, and all Erik could think about was the feel of Charles’ knee beneath his fingers, the subtle definition of his quads, the warmth of his skin through his khakis. 

The sky was dark and the sun nearly set when they left the restaurant and walked back to the lab building, still chatting amiably. Raven was still cooing over Ororo’s crush, a short Asian girl with colorful earrings and a wide smile who helped Ororo with biology. 

“Seriously, Ororo, ask her out! What’s the worst that could happen?” Raven asked blithely. 

Ororo clearly had a good head on her shoulders when she replied, “She could say no because she’s either not gay or just not into me, and I’d lose her friendship and her biology prowess, thereby putting my bio grade in jeopardy and thus my entire college career?” 

Erik stifled a chuckle and gave Ororo an approving nod. “Exactly. These are high stakes we’re talking about here, Raven.”

“Humph. You’re both drama queens.” Erik did not point out that Raven was the one who huffed dramatically just then. “Besides, if you never try, you never know. If you ask her out, and she says no, at least you’ll know that you did your part in trying to chase who or what you want. Isn’t that worth something?”

Ororo conceded with a shrug but still looked a bit uncertain. 

Erik mulled over Raven’s words. Would it be worth it to know? He risked a glance at Charles. This amazing man -- who had somehow looked into Erik’s soul and never made him feel anything less than enough -- Charles, who was Erik’s equal in every way, would he be able to stand it if Charles could no longer look Erik in the eye if Erik confessed his feelings? The rational part of Erik insisted that Charles would never be anything less than professional, but the part of Erik that was still a scared little boy who had his parents taken away from him too young whispered that Charles would leave him if he knew. 

“Ororo, it sounds like you really like this girl,” Charles piped up, “I say that you should go for it. You’re an amazing woman; any girl would be lucky to have you. Raven’s right -- I’m beginning to think that knowing really is your best bet rather than pining away, hoping that your feelings will fade.” To lift the somber note in his voice, he added, “And if you’re really worried that Jubilee would react badly, I would be happy to tutor you in biology. It’s my major, after all.”

Ororo brightened considerably at Charles’ words. He just had that kind of effect on everyone. “Would you, Charles? That would be amazing! You are actually the best!” She squeezed Charles’ arm gratefully. Erik wished that he could touch Charles so casually. 

“Of course, my dear, you’ll go for it, then?”

Ororo bit her lip. “I…” She straightened her shoulders. “I think I will, Charles. Thanks, guys, for being my hype people.”

“Let us know how it goes!” Raven clapped her hands giddily. “Well, I have to get going; I’m meeting Hank for drinks and, if he’s lucky, a bit of _hanky panky_!” Erik winced at the pun. Raven was such a child sometimes. Well, at least she was in a steady, committed relationship, which was more than Erik could say about himself, so there was that. Would Charles like him better if he made more jokes? Never mind, Charles said that he cared for him. Erik. That had to count for something. 

“I should go, too.” Charles looked at him uncertainly. “I-- happy Valentine’s Day, Erik.” He grasped Erik’s hand in his, Erik’s skin burning where Charles’ pressed his ungloved fingers, gave it a squeeze, and released it, disappearing into the night. 

Erik stood on the sidewalk for an indeterminate amount of time, frozen, fingers outstretched, reaching out for a phantom Charles.


	6. wondering if your heart was still open

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of angst and even more pining!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drop a line and say hello :)

“So, Erik, are you excited to graduate?” Raven asked around her coffee cup. 

“Oh, absolutely, I’ll finally be free of all of you fools,” Erik said in dry amusement. 

Raven glared at him. 

Erik sighed. “Honestly, it’s not going to be much different. I’m staying here for med school, after all.” 

Charles perked up at the news. On one hand, he would maybe, hopefully still get to see Erik around campus. On the other hand, he could no longer cite “very long distance” and “not worth it because we’ll never see each other again” as reasons not to tell Erik how he felt. And on yet another hand, he could no longer cite “very long distance” and “we’ll never see each other again” as reasons to just say “fuck it” and tell Erik how he felt. Bugger. It was fine, he’ll have a good panic about it later. 

“Oh, that’s wonderful, Erik!” Charles beamed at him, heart fluttering when Erik smiled softly back. 

“Yes, I rather think so, too, Charles.” They grinned stupidly at each other. 

Raven rolled her eyes, deciding to change the subject. “How’s Jubilee?” she asked Ororo. 

“Good, she and I are actually going to take a trip together after school lets out.” Ororo smiled giddily. 

Raven squealed in excitement and gave Ororo a hug. 

Charles was so happy for her, but he couldn’t quash the little voice in his head that sneered, _Even shy, soft-spoken Ororo has more courage than you do. What are you waiting for?_

_I’d rather not have Erik tell me that he doesn’t feel the same way I do. I couldn’t survive the mortification._ Even though Valentine’s Day had established that Erik didn’t hate Charles, he wasn’t sure that they were even friends at this point. 

Even worse, Erik might not believe him. Most of the time, Charles could scarcely believe that his (stupidly inconvenient) crush on Erik had lasted more than a year, even though they barely talked to each other outside of work. 

What was the rational basis for Charles’ feelings? They weren’t friends, the last time Charles even texted Erik was to send “get well soon” wishes over a year ago, and Charles had always existed at the periphery of all of their whole-group interactions, while Erik led the conversations, holding court confidently and gracefully. 

But Erik was fascinating, and Charles hoarded every tidbit of Erik’s life that he shared with the group. He so desperately wanted to know everything about him, but he was too shy or too worried about being invasive to ask. Charles had learned very early on that setting boundaries was essential for every social interaction, and crossing them was an invitation to be rejected. 

And by that same logic, there was no way in hell that Erik would even return his feelings because Charles never gave him anything about himself to be interested in! 

It’s not that Charles wasn’t interesting; he was curious about all things and made sure to have at least a passing knowledge of what Raven liked to call “trivia minutiae that is only useful if you go on Jeopardy”, everything from pop culture to classical music to car knowledge. He was on the track team in high school, as well as the orchestra, and all in all, he considered himself to be relatively well-rounded and well-adjusted. 

_I contain multitudes, but it’s not like Erik knows that!_ Charles sighed inwardly. 

Besides, Erik was the type of person to go after what (or who) he wanted, so if Erik had feelings for him, he would’ve already done something about it. The fact that Erik hadn’t said anything was further confirmation that he definitely didn’t feel the same way Charles did. 

He could just imagine the conversation: _“Hi, Erik, I like you, even though I’ve barely spoken ten words to you that weren’t work related in the past couple months, so these feelings are definitely not out of the blue for you!” “Oh, Charles, I’m flattered, but I don’t feel the same way. You’re just someone that I work with.”_

Yup. It would definitely go like that, and Charles wasn’t ready to give up the tiny hope that Erik might actually like him back. He’d rather not know. 

This whole mess was more or less Charles’ fault, in any case. He was under no delusion that he had the kind of beauty that poets and artists would draw inspiration from; he was a bit plain, his nose a bit too big. If he had any attractive qualities, they were in his personality, and, well, Erik probably didn’t think he had one. If he had just… been more outgoing, been _better_ , he might’ve been able to make Erik fall in love with him. 

~~

Erik tried to pay attention to Raven and Ororo’s conversation about the latter’s travel plans, but his thoughts kept wandering to Charles. He looked sad. Erik restrained himself from gathering Charles into his arms, holding him as if he could shield him from whatever that was haunting him inside his mind. 

Erik didn’t think he would be welcome if he did that. For all that he was warm and friendly and went out of his way to be accommodating, Charles held everyone at a distance -- it seemed that he held Erik at a distance especially -- never straying from polite smiles and quick touches. Charles had a very strict idea of boundaries; Erik wasn’t sure what would happen if he disrupted them. 

There were times that Erik thought that he had caught Charles staring at him, or that Charles had given him a smile that lingered a tad bit longer or was a little bit brighter than the one that he’d give everyone else, but it was gone so quickly that Erik had just written it off as wishful thinking. 

If Erik was perfectly honest with himself, Charles was one of the reasons he decided to stay for medical school. Of course, if anyone ever asked him why he stayed, Erik would tell them that he had a connection to the area, he felt like he could grow and give back to the community that had given so much to him, etc., which were all true, but a reason that he kept coming back to was that he wasn’t ready to leave Charles. He wasn’t ready to put down his (stupid, impossible) feelings and accept that nothing was ever going to happen between them. He just kept coming back to expressive, bright blue eyes, a quick wit, and a smile that seemed to fill in all of the cracks in Erik’s soul. 

It was pathetic, and sometimes Erik hated himself for it, but every time Erik thought he had talked himself into telling Charles how he felt, Charles would smile at him or he would hurry into a room adorably mussed and frazzled or he would worry his lip in concentration or he would laugh at a joke that Erik made, and he would look so beautiful, and Erik would lose his courage, wanting Charles to keep smiling and laughing at him, knowing that it would all end after Erik confessed, and Charles would tell him that he didn’t feel the same way, and everything would be ruined and awkward forever. 

He wanted so much from Charles -- not just sex or companionship or anything that simple -- he wanted to know him inside and out, to build a life with him, to let him into his own private world. It was too much for anyone to handle. And if Erik let Charles in, he would know everything, about all of the mazes inside his head, his sometimes crippling depression that mostly manifested as rage and despondency, his short temper (never violent, not after Shaw) and constant need for affirmation. His mind is not a great place sometimes, and he didn’t want to expose Charles to it. 

Erik wished that he were a better person, someone who could match Charles’ light. Maybe then Charles would have fallen in love with him, too.


	7. yeah, ok, I love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Charles is an idiot, Erik is an idiot, and Raven is a Very Good Friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost to the end of this little story! One more chapter after this one. 
> 
> This was vaguely inspired by some of the scenes from "Miranda", but I'm not sure any of that really shows... But here it is anyway! Drop a line with feedback, general flailing, etc. -- I so enjoy hearing from you all :)

“It’s nearly Hank’s birthday, and I’m really not sure what to give him. I was thinking that we’d-- Are you even listening to me?” Raven smacked Charles’ shoulder. 

“Hmm? Oh, yes, Hank’s birthday?” Charles mumbled, distracted. 

Raven leveled a look at him. “Charles, are you thinking about,” she looked around the empty room mockingly, “ _him_?” 

“Yes, obviously, and it’s bloody pathetic because he’s so smart and funny and interesting and _so bloody hot_ , and he absolutely does not like me back!” 

“Well, you don’t know that, do you? Just tell him! At least you’d get it off your chest.” Seeing Charles’ forlorn expression, she sighed. “Why don’t we just roleplay this, okay? I’ll be Erik, you be yourself. And… begin.” She gestured encouragingly. 

He gave her a long-suffering look, but nevertheless, Charles said obediently, “Hi.”

Raven rolled her eyes. “Hi, Charles. What’s up?”

“I want to tell you something, but I’m not sure if you’d like it.”

“Oh, then don’t tell me.”

“Raven!”

“Well, sorry, but you’re being wishy-washy. Just come out and say it!”

“I don’t know what you want from me, Raven! What am I supposed to say? ‘Oh, Erik, by the way, I’ve been in love with you for a long time, and I’ve been too afraid to tell you because I didn’t want to ruin our existing working relationship, but I’ve decided to say fuck it and tell you anyway because it’s been on the tip of my tongue during every interaction that we have’?” 

“Yeah, maybe.” Raven stared at him wide-eyed. Charles was about to sputter indignantly when he realized that Raven was looking at a figure in the doorway behind him. _Oh shit. Oh fuck, oh shit, oh fuck, ACT NATURAL!_

Erik stood in the doorway, dumbstruck, looking at Charles like he had never seen him before. Charles’ heart sank. _That wasn’t the way someone looked at you if they were in love with you, was it? Oh god, this was a terrible idea, I’m never listening to Raven ever again!_ “Oh, look at the time! I have, umm, I have a thing that I’m going to be late to if I don’t leave right now, this minute, so bye!” Charles dashed out of the room, face burning, tears prickling in his eyes. 

Realizing that he had his backpack in the office with Raven, he froze. _Good going, idiot! Welp, I’m not going back in there… I can get a new backpack, and a new laptop... and all my notes are in there for biochem… fuck. But I can’t go back in there!_ He argued with himself, _It’s too mortifying! What if he’s still there? Oh god, I can’t even imagine looking at him right now! You know what? Fuck this, fuck all of this, I’m going home!_ Purpose established, Charles marched to the bus stop and waited for a shuttle. 

Halfway home, Charles’ phone buzzed. _You’ve left your backpack here, u dumb dumb,_ texted Raven. _But don’t worry, I’ll swing by and drop it off for u :)_

His anger and embarrassment at Raven unclenching, he smiled softly and buried his face in his hands. Maybe she was a little bit right. At least he knew now. What a tiny consolation, but he supposed that he’ll take it anyway. 

~~

Erik was pretty sure that he was dreaming. _I mean, there’s no other explanation for this!_ Where else would Charles confess his love for Erik if not in a dream? Because, obviously, Charles did not like Erik back. And of course, being an idiot most days without the help of the ultra-improbable-and-possibly-a-fever-dream-scenario of hearing the best thing he has ever heard straight from the mouth of his secretly beloved, he was appropriately, inconveniently dumbstruck and just fucking stood in the doorway, gaping like an idiot because all of his brain cells had decided to slip into a fugue state, fluttering excitedly _he loves me he loves me he loves me_ , like a fucking broken record, and it took all of his remaining brainpower to remain upright, let alone blurt out that he was absurdly in love with Charles, too. 

It wasn’t until Charles had fled from the room and a sharp elbow jab from Raven did Erik recover partial functioning. Raven glared at him. _Say something before she kills you!_ “I was just coming over here to ask if either of you had a pen…” _Not that!_ He winced internally when Raven’s glare intensified into a glower. 

“You’re really going to joke about this, Lehnsherr? God, I knew that you were an asshole, but this is just next level--”

“I’minlovewithCharles,” he blurted. “And I need to know: that was real, right? I’m not hallucinating from lack of sleep and a fuckton of coffee? Charles, he -- he loves me. You heard that, too, right? Just tell me that I’m not dreaming, because I’ve dreamt about this so many fucking times--”

Raven, blessedly, cut off his rambling. “Oh, god, you two are idiots. Absolute idiots. Yes, the last five minutes of your life were real, Charles is in love with you, and you need to go and fucking tell him before he dramatically swears off all relationships and convinces himself that you hate him now.” Her eyes found Charles’ abandoned backpack, and she grinned. “And there’s your perfect excuse, go over to his place to ‘return his backpack’, confess your undying love, you’re welcome.”

“I don’t know where he lives,” Erik said flatly, ignoring the thundering of his heart. _I’m not going into fibrillation, am I?_ He wondered as an aside, _I can’t die now! I am soooo close to getting my man!_

Raven snorted disbelievingly. “You mean you haven’t stalked him in the name of ‘academic interest’?”

“I mean, I know the building, obviously, but I don’t know which unit. That would be _creepy_ , Raven,” Erik muttered petulantly. 

“He’s in 308. Now _go_.” Raven practically shoved him out the door. 

_Yes. Okay. Yes, I can do this. Ohmygod he loves me. He loves me, it’s real, he loves me._ Taking a deep breath to steady himself, Erik punched in Charles’ address and allowed Siri to take him home.


End file.
